Serious sporadic distraughtness

An early morning conversation in my kitchen following the Captain's alleged 2p-10p shift

Me: You got home so late last night. I was really worried. I kept waking up in the night and you weren't home.

The Captain: I wasn't late.

Me: Yes you were - I woke up at 10:30 and 11:00 and 11:30 and midnight and.....

The Captain: I got home at 10:15.

Me: No - because I kept looking at the clock and you were not there. Your side of the bed was empty. I was distraught! I thought something terrible had happened.

The Captain: Not so distraught that you couldn't sleep.

Me: Well, when I would wake up and you weren't there, I was distraught. And I thought in case there was an accident or something I should be well rested so I would be able to function and get through the tragedy. So I would go back to sleep.

The Captain: Hmmmmmm.

Me: I woke up. You weren't there. I was experiencing such a high level of distraughtness that I lost consciousness.

The Captain: Hmmmmmmm.

Me: Seriously. I was worried sick. Sick I tell you.

The Captain: You were snoring when I walked through the bedroom.

Me: I do not snore.

The Captain: Whatever. I got home at 10:15 and heated up my dinner and watched some shows I had on TIVO.

Me: You mean I was laying in there trying to decide on appropriate funeral dirges and worried about getting a new black dress for the services and the whole time you were in the den eating taco salad and watching a show about the history of the hand grenade?

The Captain: Pretty much.

Me: Hummmph.